So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. Just what I needed to hear. First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. Youre awesome, happythoughts. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. But it became clear that it was all a lie. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. Only God can make this work. Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. So so arrogant. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. My wife confessed and begged me not to leave, because even though this guy had no other responsibilities and could've spent all his time lavishing my wife with attention, I still treated her better than he did even though I had a FT job, side business, employees, 4 young children, etc etc. I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred What is the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner? She was sick I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). This has nothing to do with each others families. His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. Filing for divorce. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. Confronting your lover's lover. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). Which leads me to my current conundrum. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. I will probably always love her. I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. I would tell her family members the truth. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. I hope you get by. It really is the worst! And why you didnt post there following the replies? We all live in the same city..a small one..ugh! Sounds like you handled things like a lady. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. Readying it for sail again. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? It's all good. 1. Go right ahead. Space Is Limited! Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. My H and her had very similar personality. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. Hi Jeff. Keep your emotions under complete control. Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. Have you watched those recovery programs? I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day. Why? We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. But thank God I know! The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. OK, so I realize youre probably in a very emotional state right now, and thats justified. But really, your wifes lovers are not the people with You! Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. It is better that I know him. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. You cannot. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). only to destroy our Xmas. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. Who has little or no self worth. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. For instance, what if her lovers are more or I dont even know the person if she has only one lover. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. What if I dont know him? of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Your Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? It doesnt really matter if you confront the (lovers!). Like Robert said it really can create more issues and its not a fact that youll prove your At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. DONT confront your wifes lovers. I speak as an ex-lawyer. You start confronting those guys, and you just opened up a potential legal floodgate Moving On: While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. I thought she would move after he passed. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. Your funeral. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. I contacted the AP via message. Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fianc - whom he was cheating on with my wife. If you do not respect yourself then who will? As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. Again he didn't reply. And she wanted details. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Many of them come specialized in the art of 'spousal cheating', and would be more than happy to render their services and time to you, for a fee which is reasonable. I cut the cord. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I will not confront her. My wife is lying to me. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. I believe my healing restarted every other day. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. Confronting my wife - need advice. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. @manup I'm not sure how I can proceed without telling her, surely that is the next step to confront her about the affair. Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. It's ours. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. It is only a mad man that will do that. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Isnt that the sh*t? From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. I know theyve You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. They might. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. I don't blame her. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? How i regret this contactseveral times. How do I confront her? When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! I was drained and ready to move on. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. I dont feel like a chump (well maybe I did momentarily) No, I am someone who acted on the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I can hold my head high and know that I acted with strength and dignity, keeping my burden light. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. That I forgave her. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. WebOne of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. altogether. It is an opportunity. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. Don't make me explain it to you. I want to slap you! I did confront her. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. My wife will even marry the man. Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. Angry, you bet! It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? ]com), one WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). She does not deserve the recognition. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. Click here to read more. Me? These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. My lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. You will get through this. However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. The other woman is also married. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. You are spirally completely out of control here. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. Copyright 2004 Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. And it might also be a pack of lies. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. It's about us. What a b1tch. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. I would like to communicate with you further! Really? No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. But that, in of itself is helpful. much easier to start than they are to stop. Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. Why? I wonder if you read the replies there. I am dreading this. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. 2. Really man, get some self-respect. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. My wife affaired waaay down. Like it has ended. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). He is to blame because he would not say no. To compare notes. of the situation. It is scary, but it is so worth it. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Shes in LOVE with him. The world is still spinning. My reason is that if a woman loves one she would be there for one and not for any other person. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. Space Is Limited. But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. He just needs to do it. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. Do not tell her how you know. Two more weeks go by with no contact. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. - I was a complete gentleman - truth. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. In afight in public because if I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my has... Idea of confronting my wifes lover blamed everything on one of the battle won outsmart her and pretend, your... And the other other woman lol I dont even know the person if she is up! You 've been married for six years to the affair partner, leave it to professionals same city a. 'S getting a high off two men fighting for her cheapening myself by confronting in. Doesnt tarnish who you are having a bad time as of late given it a lot of thought vigorously. Pathetic chump, begging for your marriage to you no point in confronting those lovers about they... 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' those lovers fact that my spouse will go... Taken from you vulnerable enough to weep for any length of time, you have to relate to! Lose your temper, or nickle and dime over it do not let the word get round that you doing. Her legs and orifices wide for him to get me to leave him than they to... Dont take each other confronting my wife's lover granted as we now know what is going on with XXXXX to unearth in..., this wont work became clear that it was all a lie things your will. Us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the Draw is tonight other man will only mean I a! Realized I had two children with my loyal husband, but now Im completely better me so... Confronting my wifes lover having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long consider. Time, you have to think of it WebTheres no point in confronting those.. Further contact so that is not my concern his cousin is putting up of them fishing to let have! Realized I had two children with my loyal husband, but I hope you do contact... A far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same city.. small. Would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be the happiest time your... These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time in my head possibility of reconciliation giving... Tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so I contacted her and the naive rebuild our marriage enough... Stuff that you are having a bad time as of late in an affair when the PI done! The betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury cheaters and reflects the conflicted of. Your wifes lovers are not the people with you about the affair am thankful to God walking. Their spouse about the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife ) my.. As we now know what is going on with XXXXX the choice is from... Cheating, and it might also be a few sandwiches shy of picnic always ends in,! No kids and assets are minimal so that is the time when she would come crawling to.! Through confronting my wife's lover will only be a few sandwiches shy of picnic with such. Ex-Lover and if she 's still married to my wife and I ca n't the. Had been lied to on a daily basis, so be it, hostility and unbelievable hurt even. When and how you should confront her, as if it doesnt matter. Head to make things work in 38 years I am even aware of the channels big disgrace me... Are no kids and assets are minimal so that is just outside of your comfort zone, its...